Dear diary,
After waking up today and mourning the decline in my fish Piexe's health, I decided three things:
1) I don't care what people think of me.
2) Facebook truly is a waste of time, and
3) I shouldn't have to starve myself to feel pretty.
So, I went downstairs and broke my 27 hour fast by eating two slices of pizza and a banana. I felt extremely motivated, so after this I deleted my facebook. This is a big step for me; I only ever got one because "everyone ese has this incredibly useless social media site!" and in deleting my account I think I'm accepting that I'm not simply one of the masses. I am an (odd and perpetually tired) individual! Yes. This is just me ranting, but I do have school tomorrow and I haven't felt this productive in a while, and since the theme of any entries this week was "beginnings" (happy birthday Liza!!) I felt this was suitable. I also decided that I would fill a jar with the good things that happened this year in order to help my lack of self worth.
Lots of Love,
Paytoni
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
Known as the grouchy old lady who gives out baked goods
Dear Diary,
Today on my bus ride home I was thinking about what life was going to be like for me when I'm old. I think I started to think about it because I had just seen my babushka (russian for grandma) and decided I don't want to spend my old days sitting at home in a wheelchair slowly losing my memory. In a way I want to have a new begining when I became old, instead of a long sad ending.
When I turn about 60 years old or so I am going to move into a village somewhere where it is always fall, so the leaves will always be pretty. The village will be in the mountains where there are lots of trees, hiking paths and fresh air. There will be plenty of children and families, but not a lot of young single people, therefore not a lot of nightlife. The village will be fairly chill and quite besides the children's laughter and the occasional scream, because a bear got into someones yard.
My house will be small and cozy, with pictures and things of all the places I traveled in my vibrant youth. There will be four rooms a kitchen with a little table in it, a bedroom, a bathroom, with a multitude of amazing soaps, made by yours truly and a small library. The library will have one beaten down brown leather armchair, with a lamp beside it and one hundred books sorted alphabetically. The bedroom will be tidy and small, with a closet, a desk and a full size bed. The kitchen will be bright and have all the kitchen appliances a chef could ever dream of except for big bulky things.
I will be known in town as the grouchy old lady who gives out baked goods, because I will leave a batch of baked goods outside my window every morning for kids to take. I will also be known for the stories I tell about the adventures I had when I was young and the people I met. Every saturday I will take kids in the village hiking through the mountains and show them what poison ivy looks like, and what leaves are good for making tea. I'll spend most of my time hiking, drinking tea, baking, making soap, reading and writing about my adventures from back in the day.
Love,
Nikki
Today on my bus ride home I was thinking about what life was going to be like for me when I'm old. I think I started to think about it because I had just seen my babushka (russian for grandma) and decided I don't want to spend my old days sitting at home in a wheelchair slowly losing my memory. In a way I want to have a new begining when I became old, instead of a long sad ending.
When I turn about 60 years old or so I am going to move into a village somewhere where it is always fall, so the leaves will always be pretty. The village will be in the mountains where there are lots of trees, hiking paths and fresh air. There will be plenty of children and families, but not a lot of young single people, therefore not a lot of nightlife. The village will be fairly chill and quite besides the children's laughter and the occasional scream, because a bear got into someones yard.
My house will be small and cozy, with pictures and things of all the places I traveled in my vibrant youth. There will be four rooms a kitchen with a little table in it, a bedroom, a bathroom, with a multitude of amazing soaps, made by yours truly and a small library. The library will have one beaten down brown leather armchair, with a lamp beside it and one hundred books sorted alphabetically. The bedroom will be tidy and small, with a closet, a desk and a full size bed. The kitchen will be bright and have all the kitchen appliances a chef could ever dream of except for big bulky things.
I will be known in town as the grouchy old lady who gives out baked goods, because I will leave a batch of baked goods outside my window every morning for kids to take. I will also be known for the stories I tell about the adventures I had when I was young and the people I met. Every saturday I will take kids in the village hiking through the mountains and show them what poison ivy looks like, and what leaves are good for making tea. I'll spend most of my time hiking, drinking tea, baking, making soap, reading and writing about my adventures from back in the day.
Love,
Nikki
Liza on HAPPINESS.
Dear Diary,
So, I turned fourteen last weekend, and I've been having these rushes of motivation that feel strangely like they're not in my control. I've been feeling a little forced in terms of all these DIY projects I've been attempting, and in terms of the amount of sitting in front of a screen flashing bright lights I've been doing, but last night, while I climbed onto the roof of my friend's house and sang to the night sky and watched Beyonce do the halftime show and stopped feeling sorry for myself (at least temporarily), I felt fantastic. I felt like I didn't need to MATTER, or whatever--I felt like I could just do my thing and be surrounded by people I really love and everything would turn out OK, and jeez, that's a fantastic feeling.
Gotta go do last minute homeworky and pre-valentines day-y shit before bed, and sorry for lack of posting, but yeah. Illinois is close to legalizing same sex marriage (!!). There are lots of really great people in the world, and I have the privilege of getting to spend time with some of them. Even if my happiness is hormonal or whatever, a sudden rush of great vibes only my teen angst and pubertay can control, it still countsforsomething.
Much love,
Liza
So, I turned fourteen last weekend, and I've been having these rushes of motivation that feel strangely like they're not in my control. I've been feeling a little forced in terms of all these DIY projects I've been attempting, and in terms of the amount of sitting in front of a screen flashing bright lights I've been doing, but last night, while I climbed onto the roof of my friend's house and sang to the night sky and watched Beyonce do the halftime show and stopped feeling sorry for myself (at least temporarily), I felt fantastic. I felt like I didn't need to MATTER, or whatever--I felt like I could just do my thing and be surrounded by people I really love and everything would turn out OK, and jeez, that's a fantastic feeling.
Gotta go do last minute homeworky and pre-valentines day-y shit before bed, and sorry for lack of posting, but yeah. Illinois is close to legalizing same sex marriage (!!). There are lots of really great people in the world, and I have the privilege of getting to spend time with some of them. Even if my happiness is hormonal or whatever, a sudden rush of great vibes only my teen angst and pubertay can control, it still countsforsomething.
Much love,
Liza
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Liza on LGBT YA lit and romantic tragicomedies.
Dear(est) Diary,
Today, in between various standardized tests, I started The Miseducation of Cameron Post, by Emily M. Danforth. It's beautifully written--sort of Big Girl Small (Rachel DeWoskin)'s Judy Lohden infused with a little of how John Green portrays teenagedom and some of Prep (Curtis Sittenfeld)'s Lee Fiora. The fantastic fearlessness of Liza and Annie, from Annie On My Mind (Nancy Garden), is definitely there too, only the stakes are different-- Miseducation is Miles City, Montana, and Annie On My Mind is New York, New York. I loved these perfectly thought out vibes Ms. Danforth managed to shape--best friends running around a small town, playing extended games of dare, yielding only for popsicles or swimming or cream pie. Over the years of junior high and early high school, shit becomes more complicated--quietly dealing with her parents sudden deaths, getting involved with a girl from Seattle one summer and starting to come to terms with herself (in a way that's different from the comin' to terms movie montages set to a Blondie song, more real) and joining the youth group at the local Evangelical church. I was slightly demoralized when, after establishing a relationship with a new student, a beautiful, effortless homecoming-queen-esque cowgirl, Coley Taylor, everything goes downhill. It's not a dangerous, beautiful, and infinite American YA romance, not one that makes you (me) feel warm and bubbly and inspired when I read it in the car waiting for my brother to be done with soccer practice. I want to fall in love on the Staten Island Ferry in New York City like Liza and Annie, going back and forth and back and forth, watching the night fall and the city lights come up. I want to go out for dimly lit Italian meals and come home later than I was supposed to, because that's what YOUTH IS ABOUT, right? The love that's not cliche enough to be the cheerleader and the head quarterback, not sad enough to be the two outcasts who band together like they do in movies? It's by no means EASY for Annie and Liza as young, closeted lesbians in the 80s surrounded by disapproval coming from those closest to them--there's a point there where you think they might not get back together, that in the end it was all too much. But you don't really think that--you know that in the end Liza and Annie will meet up again in New York over winter break, come out or do whatever they feel they have to do.
In The Miseducation of Cameron Post, though, I as an American born n' bred teenager with a secret affinity for all these romantic tragicomedies where you know they'll get back together but WHAT IF THEY DON'T, I felt almost betrayed as Coley denounced Cam and her sexuality, tells their preacher and Cam's aunt, gets Cam sent off to God's Promise, a "facility" for kids who have experienced "unholy desires". It sounds melodramatic and YA fictiony and like something that has no meaning, something that would never play out in REAL LIFE, but it still fills me with a rush of doom to hear this inspiring, fantastic hero be trapped in this awful damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't kind of situation, one that makes me feel trapped even though I live in a big city, have a club called Spectrum at my school, parents who I know will support me and love me throughout the choices I make. I don't know how to conclude this, really, because I don't know whether I have a conclusion. This book is important. It sheds light upon so many issues that are still very much present in our society today--no doubt. But we need Annies and Lizas, too, and we have to hope that there are more and more opportunities for kids to feel as exhuberant as Annie and Liza do that day when they go back and forth on the Staten Island Ferry. You know?
I was gonna talk about how watching 30 Rock made me feel really empowered, better about m'self, but it's pretty late, I need a warm beverage before I go to sleep, and writing this has strangely helped me feel a lot better. Hooray for the internet?
Love,
Liza
Today, in between various standardized tests, I started The Miseducation of Cameron Post, by Emily M. Danforth. It's beautifully written--sort of Big Girl Small (Rachel DeWoskin)'s Judy Lohden infused with a little of how John Green portrays teenagedom and some of Prep (Curtis Sittenfeld)'s Lee Fiora. The fantastic fearlessness of Liza and Annie, from Annie On My Mind (Nancy Garden), is definitely there too, only the stakes are different-- Miseducation is Miles City, Montana, and Annie On My Mind is New York, New York. I loved these perfectly thought out vibes Ms. Danforth managed to shape--best friends running around a small town, playing extended games of dare, yielding only for popsicles or swimming or cream pie. Over the years of junior high and early high school, shit becomes more complicated--quietly dealing with her parents sudden deaths, getting involved with a girl from Seattle one summer and starting to come to terms with herself (in a way that's different from the comin' to terms movie montages set to a Blondie song, more real) and joining the youth group at the local Evangelical church. I was slightly demoralized when, after establishing a relationship with a new student, a beautiful, effortless homecoming-queen-esque cowgirl, Coley Taylor, everything goes downhill. It's not a dangerous, beautiful, and infinite American YA romance, not one that makes you (me) feel warm and bubbly and inspired when I read it in the car waiting for my brother to be done with soccer practice. I want to fall in love on the Staten Island Ferry in New York City like Liza and Annie, going back and forth and back and forth, watching the night fall and the city lights come up. I want to go out for dimly lit Italian meals and come home later than I was supposed to, because that's what YOUTH IS ABOUT, right? The love that's not cliche enough to be the cheerleader and the head quarterback, not sad enough to be the two outcasts who band together like they do in movies? It's by no means EASY for Annie and Liza as young, closeted lesbians in the 80s surrounded by disapproval coming from those closest to them--there's a point there where you think they might not get back together, that in the end it was all too much. But you don't really think that--you know that in the end Liza and Annie will meet up again in New York over winter break, come out or do whatever they feel they have to do.
In The Miseducation of Cameron Post, though, I as an American born n' bred teenager with a secret affinity for all these romantic tragicomedies where you know they'll get back together but WHAT IF THEY DON'T, I felt almost betrayed as Coley denounced Cam and her sexuality, tells their preacher and Cam's aunt, gets Cam sent off to God's Promise, a "facility" for kids who have experienced "unholy desires". It sounds melodramatic and YA fictiony and like something that has no meaning, something that would never play out in REAL LIFE, but it still fills me with a rush of doom to hear this inspiring, fantastic hero be trapped in this awful damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't kind of situation, one that makes me feel trapped even though I live in a big city, have a club called Spectrum at my school, parents who I know will support me and love me throughout the choices I make. I don't know how to conclude this, really, because I don't know whether I have a conclusion. This book is important. It sheds light upon so many issues that are still very much present in our society today--no doubt. But we need Annies and Lizas, too, and we have to hope that there are more and more opportunities for kids to feel as exhuberant as Annie and Liza do that day when they go back and forth on the Staten Island Ferry. You know?
I was gonna talk about how watching 30 Rock made me feel really empowered, better about m'self, but it's pretty late, I need a warm beverage before I go to sleep, and writing this has strangely helped me feel a lot better. Hooray for the internet?
Love,
Liza
Cozy At Home Time
Dear Diary,
Having had dinner, done my homework, and settled in for another average night alone in my room, I was faced with a conundrum. I had my pjs on and was already lying down, but I reallyyyy wanted hot chocolate. If you're as lazy as me, this is an utter travesty! I couldn't BELIEVE I've done this to myself. It was a definite face-palm worthy moment, but I PERSEVERED. Once I got my flower covered red and blue hot cocoa mug and added the milk, I decided to find my favorite book to go with it. I'm not one to discriminate against any sort of book, but today I wanted a Special one. So, after a long thought process, (the amount of time it takes milk to boil) I decided on the Outsiders. Don't worry dear reader, I've not strung you out this far just to say, "And then I went back and fell asleep. The end" I think that the outsiders is an Amazing Book because the narrator Ponyboy is just Perfect. He embodies who I wish I was in a lot of ways. He's Part of Something as it were. It never fails to make me cry and I think it fits what I want my entries in this blog journal to BE. It's one of those lovely coming of age, finding your place novels done perfectly. It's not (very) melodramatic either. I think in the scheme of things, I'd end up being a sort of Cherry not a Ponyboy; Just a girl, whining about her comfortable, middle-class life. I've certainly got friends that qualify as Sodapops or Dallys, so there's still hope! and now, I'm off to have a long chat with a good friend.
Lots of Love,
Paytoni
Having had dinner, done my homework, and settled in for another average night alone in my room, I was faced with a conundrum. I had my pjs on and was already lying down, but I reallyyyy wanted hot chocolate. If you're as lazy as me, this is an utter travesty! I couldn't BELIEVE I've done this to myself. It was a definite face-palm worthy moment, but I PERSEVERED. Once I got my flower covered red and blue hot cocoa mug and added the milk, I decided to find my favorite book to go with it. I'm not one to discriminate against any sort of book, but today I wanted a Special one. So, after a long thought process, (the amount of time it takes milk to boil) I decided on the Outsiders. Don't worry dear reader, I've not strung you out this far just to say, "And then I went back and fell asleep. The end" I think that the outsiders is an Amazing Book because the narrator Ponyboy is just Perfect. He embodies who I wish I was in a lot of ways. He's Part of Something as it were. It never fails to make me cry and I think it fits what I want my entries in this blog journal to BE. It's one of those lovely coming of age, finding your place novels done perfectly. It's not (very) melodramatic either. I think in the scheme of things, I'd end up being a sort of Cherry not a Ponyboy; Just a girl, whining about her comfortable, middle-class life. I've certainly got friends that qualify as Sodapops or Dallys, so there's still hope! and now, I'm off to have a long chat with a good friend.
Lots of Love,
Paytoni
the odd introduction
Dear diary,
Here's me in a nutshell: You can call me Paytoni, I'm 14 going on 15. I listen to music, keep my grades up, read books, and try desperately to be someone worth talking to. My hair's too big and I'm not pretty enough, but that's just how it works. I have a grand total of 5 moves under my (large) belt and my mom thinks I'm depressed. That may be true, but in the words of the Beatles, "I get by with a little help from my friends!" I have a particular weakness for milkshakes, and a talent for nonsequiter. My room's clean and my mouth is less so. In the scheme of things, I'm really not much. I don't even count as much of a teen yet-14 is pretty much synonymous with "almost 15" but I try my hardest to make an impact. Last year I felt a little more vibrant than this year. I could walk wherever, I could do whatever, and now I'm stuck in a HELLHOLE (not gonna say where) in which I'm constrained once more. Hopefully the location won't make me boring, but that is definitely a possibility that scares me as I have some pretty stiff competition in the "interesting"department.
Valentine's Day has always scared the hell out of me. ALWAYS. It is the truest form of evil teenage spite wrapped up in frilly paper hearts that I've yet to EVER receive. This is including 3rd grade when giving them out to everyone was mandatory. That'll probably be the subject of one of my next few posts, but for now, that's all folks! A little peek inside my head.
Lots of love,
Paytoni
Here's me in a nutshell: You can call me Paytoni, I'm 14 going on 15. I listen to music, keep my grades up, read books, and try desperately to be someone worth talking to. My hair's too big and I'm not pretty enough, but that's just how it works. I have a grand total of 5 moves under my (large) belt and my mom thinks I'm depressed. That may be true, but in the words of the Beatles, "I get by with a little help from my friends!" I have a particular weakness for milkshakes, and a talent for nonsequiter. My room's clean and my mouth is less so. In the scheme of things, I'm really not much. I don't even count as much of a teen yet-14 is pretty much synonymous with "almost 15" but I try my hardest to make an impact. Last year I felt a little more vibrant than this year. I could walk wherever, I could do whatever, and now I'm stuck in a HELLHOLE (not gonna say where) in which I'm constrained once more. Hopefully the location won't make me boring, but that is definitely a possibility that scares me as I have some pretty stiff competition in the "interesting"department.
Valentine's Day has always scared the hell out of me. ALWAYS. It is the truest form of evil teenage spite wrapped up in frilly paper hearts that I've yet to EVER receive. This is including 3rd grade when giving them out to everyone was mandatory. That'll probably be the subject of one of my next few posts, but for now, that's all folks! A little peek inside my head.
Lots of love,
Paytoni
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
WHO AM I???? Jean Valjean!!!!
Dear Diary,
You know when the caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland asks Alice who are you? Well I've been thinking about it. It seems like such an easy question when he says it, like the act of answering one name but it is pretty hard to explain. Sometimes I don't even really know, those are usually the times I find myself cheating on a test or not being able to stand up for a friend. Those are the times when I think and say that I am loyal and truthful but then end up lying to someone or telling them a secret. It's also things like never really being able to figure out what to wear in the morning that complicates the question Who am I?
Then again I think I may be just complicating things Liza said we should write a little bit about ourselves but I'm pretty sure who I am is a part of that. Maybe I'll just tell you things that shape who I am since I obviously am having problems answering the question directly.
My name is Nikki. N-i-k-k-i, not Nicky, Nicki, Nikky or Nicole, and most definitely not Nicole.
I play basketball and just started acting this summer. In my free time I write poetry and stories that never get finished, but mostly poetry. I also read a hell of a lot, you could say it is one of my favorite things not unlike snow flakes on eye lashes. That brings me to the third thing I like which is musicals.
WOW I never thought I would sound more filling out a profile on eharmonyish than this. I know I'm saying my own work sounds like something of eharmony when I'm supposed to be a confident young women but it is just sooo hillarious. Oh! that brings me to another fun fact about me I laugh at myself and random things way to often. For example when Javer died in the movie version of Les Miserables and his back cracks I guffawed. Also, I started laughing randomly in the hallway by myself when I thought I was hearing moaning noises from the boys bathroom.
I guess that kind of shapes up who I am but as my humanities teacher stated that she will learn more about us through the work we accomplish, you diary, will learn more about me through the things that I write.
Love,
Nikki
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